Always Worthy
ARMS provides services for victims and offenders of domestic violence and abuse. It’s not uncommon for the women we serve who have experienced abuse to begin using it. Virtue provides these women a safe place to be honest with themselves, learn healthy conflict resolution skills, and heal from past abuse.
There were a lot of trust issues that arose early in my relationships. It was then that I noticed myself having more difficulty controlling my emotions. I wanted so badly to be accepted by the person I had chosen to date, that I would yell and scream to be heard and have my hurts understood. When he threatened to leave, I would block the door or pull at him to keep him from leaving. When feeling attacked, I would respond by putting him down or attacking his character. I told myself the abuse happening on my end was valid because he was calling me names or purposely trying to get a reaction.
Last year my boyfriend and I had an altercation where I chose to scream, say hurtful words, and in the end, lash out physically. I was arrested and spent four days in jail.
I had conversations with family and friends about what happened, and I blamed the way he made me feel to justify my physical response. Of course, the people in my life supported me and it was easy to say, “Well if he hadn’t done what he did, you would have never reacted the way you did.” But the truth was, I had reacted in other physical ways, such as throwing things or slamming doors in the past.
I had very mixed feelings about having to come to the ARMS domestic violence intervention class. I was embarrassed, and on the one hand I felt like I didn’t need help. On the other hand, this wasn’t the first time my anger and hurt feelings have led to me lashing out. Since coming to the ARMS Virtue class I have been challenged to really look inside myself and hold myself accountable for my own abuse.
This class has taught me to take responsibility and accountability for my response to things that upset me. The reality was, I made a choice. Regardless of what may have led to it, I chose to respond in a way that is unhealthy and illegal. There is a regular quote in Virtue, “Nobody deserves abuse.” I had to really sit and accept that the verbal abuse I received didn’t mean that I got to treat my partner abusively in return.
Every topic was a tool to add to my tool belt of how to handle life. One topic that really made me stop and reflect was the lesson on forgiveness. I had taken the steps forward while unknowingly dragging this luggage full of resentment and insecurities along with me. I learned that until I can give that anger and resentment up to God, I will always be at risk for an outburst. I can’t control how my partners are going to talk to me or how strangers might look at me. If I can take one moment to understand myself, then I can choose to respond in a healthy way that I can be proud of.
I am extremely grateful for the facilitators who held me accountable and challenged my way of thinking. They helped me shift the way my mind perceives my own behaviors. They taught me how powerful being in control of my own behaviors really is. Virtue has taught me many things about myself, but the one I would like to leave with you all is that we don’t have to prove to anyone that we are worthy of love and respect, because to God, we already are and will always be worthy.
Kristin- Virtue Participant
Your Support Saves Lives!
Most women in our Virtue program, like Kristin, are survivors of domestic violence. Through Her Journey, they receive free recovery groups that have transformed—and saved—lives.
It costs just $90 to provide 15 weeks of these vital groups for each survivor—that’s only $6 a week. Your generous gift can make a lasting impact.