What I Needed
Riley , HJ Participant
After my best friend died suddenly in a car accident, I turned to one of his close friends to grieve with and ended up dating him. I was with him for 6 years, and then stalked by him for over 18 terrifying months.
We moved way too fast. He broke me down slowly through emotional abuse. Even though I knew something wasn’t right, I stayed because I thought surely our relationship was a way to make something “good” out of my best friend’s death. I wish I’d seen through the lies. The abuse started with small, seemingly innocent comments meant to control me and break down my self-esteem. By the time he started outright calling me names, I kind of thought I deserved it.
Over the course of the next 6 years, he abused me emotionally, verbally, financially, and eventually sexually and physically. He manipulated and controlled almost my every move—who I spent time with, where I went, and all of the finances. He called me names and convinced me that I was stupid and incapable of doing things on my own. He’d make threats in an offhanded way, like laughing out of the blue, and when I asked what was funny, he’d say he was just thinking about where he’d bury my body.
Eventually, he forced me into having an abortion, and later strangled me. After I left him, he kidnapped my kids, and stalked me for a year and a half until I jumped through tons of hoops to obtain a protective order. He showed me that he was unsafe.
That he was to be feared. That I had no voice and further convinced me that I had no value, no worth, that I’d never heal. I had thoughts of ending my life.
I didn’t know how to get out of what ARMS calls the “dark valley” of despair and depression and how it manifested in my mind and body. I spent almost a decade trying to heal from the trauma. I attended a local DV support group for a time that was informative, letting me know that I wasn’t crazy, but it didn’t address the most important part of my healing: God.
I’m a very determined, persistent person when I have a problem. I spent hours researching who GOD says I am, compiling a list of scriptures to help combat deep negative beliefs and received some good therapies. Little by little it helped, but it was a very slow process. If I’d had Her Journey groups earlier on in the abusive relationship, I can’t even begin to imagine how it might have changed my life.
Last year, my friend approached me about training to lead the Her Journey groups. Week after week as I went through the curriculum, I couldn’t help but think that this was exactly what I’d needed all along. The curriculum reinforced what I’d been learning. God didn’t want me to be abused, and He was with me through it all. It opened my eyes to the negative beliefs I had about myself and showed how to change them and believe what God said about me. It consistently pointed me to what the Bible says about all of this abuse. It taught me what a healthy relationship looks like, including the relationship with myself and most of all–God’s true love.
This was exactly what I needed.