“When I Was in Need”
By Sue, HJ Participant
My new relationship started out so beautifully. We seemed to have the really important stuff in common. Walking with the Lord, serving in our local faith circles, home study groups, active in outreach, love of the outdoors and the list goes on. Oh, and he showed incredible attention to me and had a focus on the things that I really loved.
He invited me to his home Bible study, I attended his church, his service organizational functions, and never saw red flags. All these groups of folks had nothing but positive things to say about my abuser. Yeah, he pressured me to get married fast and I agreed, after all it was all lining up.
So, we married and he immediately started many of the behaviors that I know now are abusive.
Calling me multiple times a day while I was at work (we were newly married, maybe he just missed me?), instigating arguments with my best friend and alienating her from spending time with me (yeah, my friend is very street smart, she drew a boundary and he blew up—she saw through him), and secretly providing alcohol to my adult son who clearly had a drinking problem. He constantly lied. A testimony to his double life and masterful playing on my emotions and values, as well as intentionally discouraging my church attendance and relationships there.
Looking back, it was his targeting of my values—like walking with Christ, wanting a Christ-centered marriage, taking advantage of my fear of disappointing my family and friends, fear of rejection or being seen as gullible/stupid—that led to my depression and being paralyzed. I literally became unable to reach out and stayed in bed for days on end.
Through this all (including some severe spiritual abuse), while in bed curled up in a fetal position, my faith stayed strong. I knew the life I was living wasn’t God-honoring. So, I started looking for help. The women’s pastor who I had confided in never followed up.
I tried talking to my primary care provider—no help there either. Only my employer was concerned for my safety—and directly told me so. I was too embarrassed to admit what was really happening or understand fully that my “Christian devotion” was being manipulated.
It took me almost three months to find the ARMS Her Journey program. It took me another 5 months before I understood that the cycle and types of abuse weren’t just someone else’s story: they were describing my story. I thrived in the weekly validation and rejuvenation of my person in Christ. Understanding the eight different forms of abuse, while often anger-provoking, also helped me start the process of healing. The support of fellow sisters, the skilled session leaders and the comprehensive 15-week curriculum provided a safe healthy environment to face difficult life circumstances and to know I was never alone or forsaken.
It’s not an exaggeration to say that ARMS saved my earthly life. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of walking by faith and the promise of staying true to the way, the truth and the promise of the life God wants for you. I was blindsided and took some missteps, but He never left me or deserted me.
-Sue