I escaped from the house nearly three years ago: unannounced, without permission, and without a plan. I had caught my husband laying on top of our teenage daughter, on her bed, four days prior. I knew I had to leave to protect my daughter and myself.

The decades of verbal, psychological and sexual abuse were morphing into physical abuse. I wasn’t going to let that happen again. I was miserable from very early on. In the months we dated prior to getting married, we took walks in the evenings, holding hands and talking. In the first few months of our marriage, he set the rules:

I was not to walk away from him if we were having an argument.

I was not to tell him what I wanted him to do to help around the house.

I told him if he hit me, I’d be gone without any second chances. It would have been much easier if he had hit me.

My cooking was never good enough. He called me “gorgeous” when in public, but made it clear to me in private that I was too fat, didn’t dress the way he wanted, didn’t wear my hair the right length or the right color, and generally that I was a burden who didn’t deserve his attention. He always had a sexual agenda for giving me his time, attention, or gifts. There was no category in his mind for simply enjoying my company or appreciating me as my own person.

We had three children in five years. I stayed home with them and loved caring for them. He refused to help me discipline them but was happy to blame me whenever they misbehaved.

I stayed because I believed that I couldn’t respect myself if I were to break my marriage vow. I stayed because although I knew God would always love me no matter what, I would be guilty of divorcing my husband, which in my former church circle was seen as worse than adultery. I stayed because I had no degree and no income of my own. I stayed because I was too exhausted to see how miserable I was and how much of myself I had abandoned to survive.

A friend told me about ARMS a few days after I got free. Their checklist of signs of possible domestic violence was the first confirmation I had that I wasn’t imagining all these patterns after all. The “Her Journey” curriculum offered by ARMS has been a God-send in my life.

ARMS is broadcasting the truth; I deserve respectful treatment at all times, and I am not responsible for someone’s choice to abuse me. I have the power to make choices toward healing.

Her Journey groups are available nationwide and internationally. Call the ARMS office (M-F, 8-5 PM PST) at 503-846-9284 or 866-262-9284 for more information.