by Trina P.

I grew up as the sole daughter and middle child in my family. While my parents’ marriage remained legally valid, it was widely acknowledged as toxic. My father and his extended family retained a proclivity for addictions and placed a significant emphasis on their image. However, to outsiders, they appeared to embody the ideal notion of a model Catholic, immigrant family. The dynamics within the large extended family, marked by a mix of affectionate behavior and various forms of psychological mistreatment and manipulation, resulted partially from untreated mental illness, including narcissism.

Stress at Home

The atmosphere in my household itself was rather tense, with frequent episodes of rage between my parents, and later between my older brother and parents. My father faced challenges due to his battles with alcoholism, gambling, and a workaholic nature, while my mother tended to spend excessively and dealt with significant mental health problems I only learned about very late in life. Our family’s interactions revolved around the duty of caring of my mother. I inadvertently took on the roles of a caregiver, surrogate spouse, and friend while still being abused extensively (though often covertly).

Although my parents never resorted to physical violence against each other, they frequently caused damage to household items and voiced frequent threats to harm or even kill each other. I never observed any displays of affection between them. Regrettably, the absence of a nurturing and optimistic connection did not cease with them. My older brother, our other brother, and I have all experienced significant mistreatment that has had a lasting impact on our physical, psychological, and emotional well-being.

My Grandfather Reports

During sixth grade, my maternal grandfather chose to report my mother to CPS. As with numerous children who experience abuse, both of us refused to acknowledge it. I made the decision to refrain from discussing this matter with anyone until I turned 40. From a young age, I harbored an uneasy feeling that something was  terribly wrong within my family.  At that point, I consistently chose to refrain from imitating them, and have successfully maintained that decision.

Throughout my life, I have seen that my personal beliefs and values have set me apart from my family. However, this also resulted in me being unfairly accused and made a scapegoat. With several attempts to “break free from the system,” I find myself being drawn back in to support my family during significant events, such as the passing of my younger brother or the terminal illness of my mother.

After observing my typical behaviors in romantic relationships, I realized that I was consistently falling into a repetitive pattern. My choices were mostly influenced by my inclination to choose men who displayed comparable patterns of abuse. I ended up experiencing my first divorce and becoming a single parent with a man who, upon closer examination, was found to have a history of abusing other women and even causing such physical harm to his father during his childhood that he was placed in a juvenile institution. I had to move from Florida to a different state while I was pregnant to ensure the safety and health of our son and I.

Types of Abuse

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced various forms of abuse, including psychological, emotional, physical, and financial. Unfortunately, the instances of mistreatment escalated in my second marriage, to which I am still legally bound. I also have encountered persistent mistreatment from both my close family members and extended relatives. I remain married to my husband largely to avoid going through a very contentious divorce while my daughter is finishing high school. During my marriage to my current husband, I experienced intense forms of abuse, including prolonged psychological mistreatment and a complete disregard for my physical and mental well-being. For example, during a mini stroke incident in his presence, he did not take me to the hospital or offer any assistance at home other than to take me to bed and leave me there unattended overnight. He admitted to an emotional affair, but it became obvious to me that it had been physical. The considerable mistreatment, particularly psychological, has had an adverse impact on several areas of my life, encompassing my well-being (both psychological and physical), career path, social connections, financial circumstances, and the raising of my children.

However, I remain forever grateful that God has used all of this to guide me to Him and to deepen my commitment to walking in His word and ways. The many years have not been in vain. Despite significant and enduring struggles, my children are currently thriving, and we maintain a very loving, healthy relationship.

I heard about ARMS miraculously. I sought counsel from my pastoral care team at church after taking years of theology and counseling training classes there. I shared some of my marriage issues, and my long-held God-given desire to bring ministry to other women to the church. He asked me to consider a program that I could bring back to the church (to lead under his direction). After extensive research over the course of months, I found ARMS and went back to him to recommend the program, though not as he had expected, with me leading it. I knew I was not in a place to do so without harm to me or others. I wasn’t yet in a place of enough healing. When I met with him – he invited another woman from church who said she too had ideas on domestic violence groups. Low and behold, she was actually trained by ARMS and was willing to lead it. Hence, the birth of two new Her Journey groups.

I spent much of the next 2.5 years attending many ARMS classes (at times daily) both in person and on zoom. I was overwhelmed with the support and love I received. I knew I desperately needed it and God had called me to it. I had never found a place to share such experiences while growing and sharing my faith as well. Many times, I didn’t share, just remained silent as I heard the stories of others which made me feel less alone in my own pain and loss. More importantly, I was beyond blessed with the biblical lessons that perpetrated my soul each time they were spoke (particularly since there are different leaders with different lenses and approaches and different women). Through ARMS, my local domestic violence support, my long-term counselor, my pastor, and many sisters of Christ, I worked through and lived out the many lessons. I still have much to learn, but by the grace of God, my time with ARMS has been so fruitful. It is one of the resources that has had such deep and significant impacts on my life, and the lives of my children. Because of the Zoom classes, I was able to attend from anywhere. I truly consider the women I attended class as family (sisters in Christ). The incredible, well written and thought-out program covering so many needed topics was healing beyond words!

Challenges in Healing Included

1. Finding safe and healthy people, leaders, and environments to work through my pain, particularly those that are faith-based and have sound theological teachings that are sensitive to trauma and abuse-informed like ARMS’ trained leaders

2. Understanding and living out the biblical grounds for my family estrangement and separation from my spouse, particularly since these are still decisions that the church and the world often do not understand or support well.

3.  Identifying the lies of the enemy and the truth of God (taught well by ARMS).

4. Understanding ALL EIGHT forms of abuse and what God really says about them, and us, as His precious daughters who experience it.

5.  Understanding and owning my role in putting up with the abuse while also propelling myself forward (at a healthy pace for me at my choosing) to my future and significant growth outside of my home responsibilities.

My Abundant Life is Happening!

I am presently going to grad school at Liberty for a master’s in pastoral (Christian) counseling. After, I will attend an online, 3-year-round social work master’s program with Florida State University. These educational opportunities will allow me to finally return to my beloved state of Florida where I once lived and left with my son some 24 years ago due to abuse. It will be a full circle moment! t will also help me to continue to live a separate and independent life from my husband regardless of when we finalize our paperwork. While I feel God wants to teach and train me to be a Christian women and children abuse counselor and would love to also lead Her Journey, I remain open to whatever and wherever He leads me.

What allowed me to persist was the same resilient spirit that persisted through all the abuse. I fell so many times, but I was never willing to give up and bow to the the devil’s efforts. God so graciously carried me every step of the way and continuously placed me in His path of blessing while I and others stormed the gates of heaven for me. He gave me so many people to encourage me, support me, love me, listen to me (non-judgmentally), and walk with me along this unwelcome journey. He also gave me a place to laugh and care for others (which was so needed as I healed from varied interpersonal struggles). I found community, hope, love, forgiveness, peace, even joy in my interactions with so many. Every Her Journey lesson, no matter how many times I heard it, carried new messages and healing from God!

 

Although we never charge survivors to attend Her Journey, it does cost us about $90 to send each woman through the 15 week program. We are completely reliant on donations and grants. If you are able, please consider giving today. Thank you!