By Julie Bonn Blank

You are finally free of abuse. You’ve separated from your unhealthy partner, have set and enforced boundaries and are working on your own healing.

But you can’t sever the ties fully because, unless the case is extreme, you must now co-parent with the very same person who has caused so much abuse, grief and pain. Pain that cut deep into your soul.

How do you protect your children when the courts deem that they must spend time with your former, abusive partner? Here are some tips.

  1. Some abusive people truly ARE dangerous parents. The courts sadly don’t always see this, but you know your partner the best. If you even have an inkling that your children have been physically or sexually abused by your former partner or by someone he/she has let into their lives, you must move on your children’s regard. And you must never give up, no matter how hard the battle becomes. Obtain abuse-trained and trauma-informed counsel and do not lose stride in the fight to keep them safe.
  2. Insist on their own communication channel with you while they are there – not the other parent’s phone. If your kids are too young for a fulltime phone, consider getting them a prepaid phone to only take/use when they visit their other parent. Present to your former partner that the children should always have a way to reach the other parent – the former partner included. If the phone is lost or damaged, the pre-paid ones are not a great loss if you don’t keep a ton of money on them. One of our gals downloaded a text app on her young child’s tablet that only had the parents, relatives and family friends programmed in. Little Mea was protected from dialing other numbers and started frequently checking in with her mom while at her father’s house.
  3. Document anything odd that occurs while your children are in the presence of your former partner. Make a journal of any events they report with times and dates, take pictures of any proof, including injuries if they happen, and keep screenshots of the texts/emails from your children and partner. We recommend downloading the Our Family Wizard App. Tell your former partner you will only read and respond to communication from he or she via that app and not outside the app. (Then keep that boundary. Do not respond if they communicate in other fashions.) This app keeps a history of all the communication, includes a family calendar (to use when tracking parental visits etc.) and the records are admissible in courts. You may need to keep records for years. If your child visits a doctor due to an incident, obtain and keep the medical records as soon as possible afterwards. Of course, if a child says they have been touched inappropriately, violated sexually or physically, always believe them and immediately contact law enforcement. Follow up with an agency local to you that specializes in both diagnostics and ongoing support for your child.
  4. Develop a Prayer Team. This is the most important move, and I wish I’d thought to not be the only one praying when my kids visited their dad. Since helping to implement prayer teams surrounding families the entire time the kids are with their other parent, we’ve seen miracles occur. One father pulled his daughter behind the public restroom at a park to “discipline” her and a couple approached with their phone and threatened to call the police if he touched her. It didn’t surprise us later that at that exact same moment, two people had just started the 4pm prayer circuit. Don’t dismiss this very important step as it will put a protective cover over your children. You can find your prayer partners in a variety of ways including church, small groups, online Bible studies, online Christian groups on social media and others in the recovery groups you attend. Don’t forget to include ones who know the situation, love your kids and support you such as your parents or other family members. (Matthew 18:19, Psalm 34:7, Psalm 135:9)
  5. Teach Your Children Boundaries. In order to successfully teach children boundaries, you must learn to implement them yourself. As they grow older, their other parent may become psychologically, verbally or spiritually abusive towards them or property (see the Types of Abuse here). Your kids will need to know why and how to implement boundaries to stay safe AND when to call for help. For your reading, we recommend “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa TerKeurst as well as “Boundaries’” by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. As you learn good boundaries and grow healthy relationships, use life as a learning opportunity. When you see people relate to each other in the store, park, school events and even church, talk about it as a family later on and ask what would have been a healthy way to handle that event.
  6. Review Our Article on Greyrocking. And Consider Yellowrocking. Although the idea of greyrocking is important, and also something Jesus modeled for us, if you are in an active court case fighting for custody, we recommend yellowrocking as much as possible as the courts want to see that you have made a large effort to ensure that your children can spend safe time with your former partner. You can read about the difference here.
  7. Remind Them of Their Amazing-ness & Listen Well. Your child may not have the confidence to report odd happenings if they were not raised in a home where you reported abuse. They may believe it is normal behavior to experience and are also likely scared. There is a high chance their abusive parent has threatened consequences if you learn of certain things. This is when it is time to put your “adult ears” on. Your children are speaking, even when they are silent. Behavior changes, school performance changes, sleep changes, body stress indicators such as stomach aches and headaches can all be signs that something has occurred or is occurring. If your child acts out and treats others with contempt and or violates people’s space or personal boundaries, this may also be a sign of something gone awry. Attempt to gently lead them to conversation, assuring them of your love and that they are not in trouble and won’t get in trouble. Always seek professional counseling for them if your efforts to obtain more information don’t work (and if information comes out that they are being abused). And again, if anything arises, document it all.
  8. Understand the Loyalty Issue. I made a pact with myself and the Lord to not talk bad about my former partner to my children. However, he did not have the same belief. I’ve heard of this same issue from so many others. As a result, when my children returned home from their time with him, they were often solemn, angry, or sad. It took me about three days to get them back to normal and then of course, in only a few more days they were visiting him again. I commonly heard very emotional accusations of things dad claimed I did and the fact that our separation was all my fault. This is incredibly difficult to have your character assassinated to your children. And if you believe as I do, we can’t fling it back. One day my youngest looked at me when I tried to explain a little bit (still without speaking badly about his dad). He said, “I don’t know who to believe, Mom. If I believe you, then Dad’s a liar.” This very young (but insightful) child of mine laid it on the line and I suddenly realized the true issue. My children are grown now and have come to understand a lot more over the years. My ex has moved on from this earth. But one of my children still struggles some with that loyalty issue and the fact that to be fully loyal to me (and especially his stepdad), he feels he is being disloyal to his biological dad. Understand this concept and it will make things easier for you to understand when this happens, as difficult as it may be.
  9. Realize That Your Children May Never See “Your Side”. Stop trying to convince them of the abuse you’ve experienced from your former partner. This does nothing but muddy the waters, create the loyalty issue up above and make your children potentially feel bad for loving their other parent (or you). Are you thinking that true healing will not come until your kids/friends/family understand what you have been through? I experienced the truest power in my healing when I realized that I might never get that validation…and became OK with it. I healed anyway and the free ARMS “Her Journey” classes were a huge part of it. There is much peace in letting it rest instead of working so very hard to convince, continuing to work out my healing and allowing my children to mature – even if this means allowing them to make their own conclusions that are not a hundred percent accurate.
  10. Continue to Focus on Your Own Healing and Journey. It is essential to not drop the ball on your own healing when focused on keeping your kids safe and abuse-free. Much like the oxygen mask concept on a plane, you will find yourself sinking into the muck of it all if your healing takes a backseat. Believe it or not, our children also heal as we practice the concepts we learn in the process. No matter their age, they benefit when a parent puts in healing time.

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Interested in our free, Her Journey program available in person and on Zoom? Ladies 14+ can help learn how to navigate boundaries, deal honorably with abuse and heal from abuse and toxicity. Call us at 866-262-9284 for information on locations and times. 

In need of a High-Conflict Divorce Coach? We highly recommend Veronica York, who also provides virtual services to help navigate child custody, before or after papers are filed. Contact her here.