When my daughter insisted that I meet with a lady named Michelle at her church, I reluctantly agreed. I had really been in a quandary about what to do about my marriage. My pastor had encouraged me several times to stay in it, and to hang in there. At this point, we had already done counseling with this pastor for a year. (note that ARMS never recommends couples counseling in cases of abuse – link to article).

But my husband’s behavior seemed beyond the norm of healthy. And even abusive.

When we were first married and for 2 ½ years after moving here, he didn’t work. He used the benefits received from my first husband’s death during the early years of our marriage. We then sold a home I bought on my own, and he squandered a great deal of the money.

He was covertly demeaning to me sexually, as well as verbally and emotionally abusive.

Before our marriage relationship, he’d listened to the Bible on audio once and then got baptized. But the only thing he seemed to have taken away from it was that wives are to submit. Often when I disagreed, he instantly attacked me verbally. One time he yelled at the kids, “she won’t submit! She won’t submit!” because I wouldn’t agree with him. He intentionally brought the kids into the room when we argued, sometimes pulling them from bed, and tried to sway them to see how “crazy” I was being.

At one point, he alienated my oldest daughter. He willfully sought to destroy her years seeking independence. She says, “It felt like an elephant on my chest. That I would never be able to live out my life or have any control over any of it. I was taking a tax course at the time and I kept thinking what was the point of pursuing that if I would never be able to actually get a job doing it? I was very depressed about all of that.” My daughter left us then, for almost 9 years. After she left, he kept telling us that she couldn’t be trusted and tried to control how we thought or felt about the situation. So as with other things, it was easier to just leave it alone than to have constant turmoil over it. During that time, she married and had three daughters, huge life events that I never was able to celebrate alongside of her. Time we can never get back.

He also controlled our other children, and didn’t allow them relationships, as they grew to dating age and beyond. He tried to sabotage each one, covertly, as if he’d planned it for years.

My daughter and I later reconciled, and I am grateful. But it breaks my heart that my youngest son, so heavily influenced by him, still won’t even speak to me.

Michelle at my daughter’s church was a Her Journey leader and I started attending the group, finding it extremely helpful. In fact, later when I went for EMDR therapy, my therapist said I had already gotten a lot of the groundwork done that I needed to prepare because of the ARMS group. I had already corrected some lies that I’d believed about myself. The validation in the group was huge.

I finally was able to set a boundary when things were again getting out of hand at home. After a huge argument and then a few anxious weeks, I announced, “we have to get counseling, not optional!”

For over a year, we attended more counseling and things seemed to get better. Then the neglect began. I felt like a wife on a shelf that he took down only when he wanted sex. When I addressed it, he said I had a terrible attitude and he didn’t need that in his life, (meaning sex). I later moved to sleeping in the guest room to feel safer. After dinner, I would immediately escape to the room and read until I could go to sleep.

Something happened then. I started to die inside.

At one point previously when we’d had an incident, I’d made a statement to my sister about not caring if I lived or died. She made me promise I wouldn’t let myself get there again. As I lay on my bed one night, I wondered: wouldn’t it be better if I wasn’t around? And here I was – thinking that again. I was exhausted from the fight and always trying to make things better. Then five days before our 33rd anniversary I brushed aside a fleeting thought that I should put some belongings into a suitcase – ready to go, just in case.

One afternoon I was napping. Soon afterwards I awoke in a panic when I heard my husband’s truck outside. He’d taken a break from work. Sure enough, he wanted a confrontation and tried to talk me into repairing our relationship. But in the process, he admitted to a large debt I’d known nothing about. When I expressed dismay, he insisted, “but I love you.”

“What you do is NOT love.” I managed to leave the house and drive away, then found a place to pull over that was out of sight. I knew now that I needed more help, and even legal help. I messaged my daughters quickly. After his truck had driven by where I hid, I scurried home to pack some things and went to my daughter’s and later to a friends. I texted my husband that I would not be returning and spent the next couple of days texting and talking to all our children, trying to explain more detail, and asking for their love and support.

I’ve never looked back.

I am confident that God is a just God and will take care of my abuser.

Her Journey was shelter and learning for me but it was just the beginning of what God had planned. I felt so drawn to help other women – a calling so deep in my soul that when my therapist let me know that there were scholarships available with Light University (link: lightuniversity.com) to pursue mental health coaching, I jumped at the chance. I can hopefully also do the Masters level certification. I currently provide some coaching and through my handle on Instagram (link to https://instagram.com/beauty_for_ashes_joy), I encourage survivors as well as recommend ARMS.

Recently, I made an 8-hour trip to the coast, all on my own! I was so nervous but excited as well. I love the ocean and it ended up being such a strength and confidence builder.

Her Journey was a true place to heal. The program also really solidified my identity and worth. And it helped me rebuild myself through the love of God and others with His truth, now cemented in my heart. I am so excited to see where God leads me next in this healing journey and thank ARMS for being so vital in my healing journey.

 

Story of Nancy was written by Julie Bonn Blank