Grey Rocking is a method of detachment when communicating with a toxic person. It is the practice of “unengaging” so that as a target for toxicity, you become undesirable. You act somewhat like a stranger instead of a partner, parent, sibling, friend or relative of the toxic person. You refuse to become emotional, refuse to argue, refuse to acknowledge things except in the simplest of terms. It is a flat affect of facial features, meaning that no telling facial features are used.

Refusing to Engage

This toxic person in your life knows how to push your buttons. Knows how to make you angry. And knows what will make you (finally) react. Toxic and abusive people thrive on that drama and getting a reaction from you. Because you then have reacted with emotion, and often anger, it gives them an excuse to continue their controlling behavior as they “react back” to you. Instead of ending the conflict, it escalates. And creates an endless cycle.

A Degree of Difficulty

The better the toxic person in your life knows you, the harder it can be to Grey Rock. Controlling people can be relentless when working for a reaction and are encouraged when they see a crack in the ice. Grey Rocking is a worthy response to practice and may save you countless disagreements if you can practice and perfect it. (Great examples in this article by Natalie Hoffman, by the way)

When I first met Molly, she and her boyfriend were having countless arguments over seemingly small issues. As we chatted, I saw that he was being very controlling. I heard phrases like “he loves to push my buttons”, “he’s not happy until we have the fight for the week” and “he totally eggs me on. He pushes and pushes until I finally lose it. I’m so frustrated!”

Those are concerning statements and as Molly worked on the concept of Grey Rocking, she saw progress. Then I heard “Instead of fighting about it, I walked away. We were able to talk about it later in a much nicer way” and “He got pretty irritated at first but when he realized that he wasn’t going to get a reaction from me anymore, he stopped bringing every little thing up.”

Jesus Practiced Grey Rocking

Check out this story from Luke 4. Jesus spent a good deal of time being a teacher to His people. He was well regarded and a popular speaker. They trusted Him. But one Sabbath, He informed them that He was not accepted by them. “No prophet is accepted in His own country”. He then compares them to the Israeli people who were stubborn and closed-minded.

Luke 4 goes on to say: “All of the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of town and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.” (v 28-30)

Jesus didn’t mean to insult them. But they reacted strongly to what they thought he was saying. Instead of asking for clarification, they got angry and decided to toss him off a cliff.

Instead of reacting back, Jesus rocked the Grey Rock method. He walked through the crowd and went on His way. If He had been wearing a t-shirt, it might have said “meh”.

Jesus Rocked Grey Rocking

Another example of Grey Rocking by Jesus is in John 8 when he is brought the woman who committed adultery. You can just picture the faces of the accusers. Not only were they mad, but they wanted Jesus to get mad at her too and put her in her place. They were energized, riled up-and had likely encouraged each other to be reactive. What did He do? He looked down and drew in the sand instead. When they continued their berating, he paused to say “let him who is without sin throw the first stone” and then continued to draw in the sand.

This method was so effective that the accusers wandered away. How boring! No confrontation after all. OK, where can we find some drama now?

Is it Dangerous to Grey Rock?

Grey Rocking, depending on your situation, can be dangerous. If the toxic person in your life might become enraged and react dangerously to this method of response, we don’t recommend it. However, with most toxic people, it can be very effective.

Here is another article with more information about grey rocking.

by Julie Bonn Blank