Witnessing a family member experiencing abuse can cause lots of emotions whether you are directly involved or not. Abuse not only affects the victims; the trauma can trickle into the relationships that victims have with friends and family members. So how do we stay strong for our loved ones when we feel hurt by what they are going through too? Without proper support and reassurance from the most trusted individuals in a victim’s life, healing and recovery may never fully take place.

The emotions and feelings of hurt we may experience as a loved one of a victim can actually help in the recovery process. Recognizing our emotions can help us sympathize and show we really do care and want to help support in healthy ways.

Do Not Judge Them

Opening up to the people victims are closest too often can be the hardest. Victims are often afraid of what others will think, especially their friends and family. Approach every conversation with an open mind and an open heart.

Do not come into the conversation with an “I told you so attitude.” Abusers often give red flags early in a relationship. As a family member or friend, you may have picked up on some of the early signs of abuse. Even when approached early about unhealthy signs, a victim often may think the initial behavior isn’t that bad or the abuser will change. As a concerned loved one, if you have tried to forewarn the victim and they made the choice to stay, feelings of frustration come into play. Do not say, “I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen.” This attitude will only cause more hurt for both you and the victim. They may already feel ashamed for staying. Do not add more hurt to an already hard situation.

Instead, lead with listening. Let them share what they have been holding inside. They need to know you are a safe place to come to and that they have your support, no matter what they tell you.

Be Prepared For Some Shocking Or Uncomfortable Conversations

Your loved one may have gone through some downright shocking events. If you are so shocked as a loved one to hear about the abuse that took place then imagine how they felt as they were going through this, and how they are feeling now having to relive the trauma by talking about it.

We all wish the shocking events were not real and only happen in a Lifetime movie, but bizarre and horrific events do really occur. Make sure to listen with an open mind. The victim needs to know you believe them, no matter what they are telling you.

Help In Finding The Professional Support They Need

As family members, you are not experts in abuse.  The victim may need ongoing support above and beyond your capability.  Consider family therapy with your loved one.  Family therapy can not only help support your loved one heal, but you too.  Family therapy can provide the needed support and expertise on abuse that you simply just do not know.  If you are considering family therapy, make sure to find a therapist that specializes with domestic abuse.

Supporting a loved who experiences abuse is a continual process. Healing does not happen over night, for you or for your loved one. Give yourself some grace in the process. It is ok to feel hurt right alongside your loved one. Most importantly, make sure your loved one knows you are in the process of healing together, no matter how long it takes, and no matter how hard it may be. You may not fully understand what they have gone through, but processing your feelings together will help everyone heal.

Ten Things You Must Know When Helping a Survivor

Passionate about all facets of beauty, Ashley Vruwink uses her talents as a hairstylist, writer, and blogger to not only makeover one’s look on the outside, but one’s soul on the inside.

 

Through Ashley’s career as a hairstylist, she has learned that true service is not just performing services to look good. Her true service comes with helping people make the connection with Jesus that they didn’t know was missing. She is passionate about leading people to true Biblical knowledge that not only transforms one’s life, but has the lasting reward of eternity for their soul. A Biblical knowledge that not only transforms the heart, but is applicable to everyday life. Ashley lives in central Wisconsin with her husband and three daughters.