Married to Abuse for a Decade

Jessica left her abuser and decade-long marriage for the very last time. He was a well-known and well-loved youth/family pastor. Because of his charming, charismatic influence, her chances of being heard and believed were slim to nothing. It took Jessica 10 years to find enough strength to move past the shame and hold onto the truth.

She went into their honeymoon excited for the adventure and the time they would have together, only to have her world shattered into pieces. Jessica experienced the most traumatic event of her life yet three days into her Honeymoon. It was the first of many more.

“This was the boy who bought me flowers, and wrote me long, sweet letters.”

“He knew my heart, every part of it. Claimed he wanted to protect and cherish it.”

“The only one I had ever held hands with and given my heart to.”

“This was the boy who I was going to spend the rest of my life with.”

Jessica and her husband argued and it escalated quickly. Next thing she knew, she was being cornered in the bedroom, screamed at and spit at. Blocked from being able to escape. Nothing she could say (or not say) calmed him down. She was stuck, bewildered, angry, and terrified. Finally, he loosened up enough for her to escape and run as far away as she could.

“Did that really just happen?”

“Who had I married?”

“At least he didn’t hit me.”

“I’m sure he’ll never do this again.”

“He must be hurting.”

“He must not know any better because he was abused.”

“I need to do my best to help him.”

“I’m so scared.”

Abuser Begged for Forgiveness

When she finally returned, her husband immediately started crying and begging for forgiveness. Jessica’s anger turned to compassion as she comforted him and listened to him share about his stress. How hurt he was. How much he needed her in his life. Everything Jessica had experienced earlier that day didn’t matter anymore. He was hurting, and she believed his words when he promised he would never treat her that way again.

Jessica committed to spending the rest of her life with him. There was no other option but to stay and give it her all.

Even later, after years of abuse, she believed at some point it would just get better. She smiled and nodded as people praised him in public. Inside she cringed knowing that the man they saw was not the same man behind closed doors.  He hasn’t hit me. It’s not abuse unless I have some way of proving it.

He Hasn’t Hit Me So It’s Not Abuse

Jessica wished she would have owned the truth and understood her worth sooner. She wished she was educated sooner on all the different forms abuse takes. She hid his abusive behavior longer than she should have. For years she was convinced that God hates divorce and would not go with her if she left. She cared deeply about getting man’s approval and permission to leave.

The summer before their 10th anniversary, Jessica received clarity and confirmation. It had been months of wrestling with a decision. God turned on the light for her to see her abuser for exactly who he was. He was not going to change. She knew she could not give another 10 years of her life to him.

“This time the fear of staying OUTWEIGHTED the fear of leaving.”

“It didn’t matter anymore if anyone believed me.”

“I realized my children would be better off not growing up in an abusive home.”

“This time there was nothing he could say to win me back.”

“God gave me all the clarity I needed.”

“I wasn’t going to wait for man’s approval anymore.”

“I’m no longer a slave to fear.”

Thankfully, when Jessica made the decision to finally leave, she was surrounded by love and support. She received many heartfelt responses full of encouragement, comfort, and validation. With the help of several domestic violence organizations, Jessica is now able to focus on healing and finding herself again.

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