Unlocking Us by Brene Brown

I came across a podcast called “Unlocking Us” by Brené Brown, a well-known lecturer and professor who dives deeply into the subject of vulnerability. This episode, co-hosted by author David Kessler, was about the stages of grief and meaning behind our grief.

Grief is defined as having experienced the death of someone or something, whether it be a loved one, a relationship or friendship, a marriage, a dream, etc. We experience all kinds of grief throughout our lives.

My relationship with my abuser ended weeks after we got engaged, forcing me into the most painful grief I’ve ever had to face. Not only did I have to grieve the sudden loss of our relationship but also the dreams we created together and the future we planned. I was grieving the death of my identity which was interwoven with his, as well as the person I was before realizing the abuse. Any sense of solid ground and safety I had in my life was now shattered.

How We Grieve

The ways in which we grieve are so uniquely different. The Kubler-Ross five-stage model of grief includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The tricky thing about it is that grief isn’t linear, and each individual will go through these stages in their own time, some stages occurring multiple times over and some stages longer than others.

A quote from the podcast that stuck with me is this: “Here’s the thing, we want [healing from grief] to be linear, we want acceptance to be the end because we want it to be over, but …hearts stay broken.”

What ultimately hurt me as equally as the pain caused from the abuse was trying to rush my process of healing and being eager to find the “meaning” to everything that had happened. I wanted to know how I found myself in this place to begin with, and I wanted answers for how God was going to use this for His good. I didn’t allow myself to completely acknowledge my broken state, understand that I may never come to know certain things—which is okay—and just grieve.

Kessler illustrates, “The meaning is not in the death [or loss]. The meaning is in what we do after. The meaning is in us. That’s where the meaning lies. That’s what we can create.”

A Time For Everything

The powerful thing about grief is that it stays with us. I don’t believe we ever finish grieving but that we carry this experience deep in our hearts as we grow stronger because of it and create meaning from it by choosing to live each day made new as a result of it.

I am grateful for how this experience is changing me for the better even when I don’t see it. Grateful for the person I am today who is courageous in many ways. I am grateful for the hope set before me. Grateful that there is life after death.

If you or someone you know is grieving, know that you are not alone and this pain will not last forever. At ARMS, we want to walk through your grief with you and remind you that He is near your broken heart and always has been.

If you are not already in a group, we encourage you to call our office at 503-846-9284, Monday-Friday from 8-5pm PST. Classes are virtual and available nationwide and internationally. We’d love to hear from you and know how we can help you during this time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

by Jaz