Whereas, my husband is a real biker, I am only a “hobby biker”. I enjoy biking with him (in fact, he introduced me to it) but I have to work up to the miles, starting at a couple miles each warm season. Fifty miles is nothing for him-I am currently done after about fourteen.

I only average a bit over seven miles per hour. He is closer to fifteen. I can make it up some hills but have to walk the bike up many of them. This is not helped by my allergies which give me an inability to breathe well while exercising. Of course, he passes me frequently, despite my competitive nature.

Not that I’m comparing. Ha.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic or sociopathic abuse can feel much like biking up a long hill. It is a tough job. Not only do we sometimes have to walk our bike as the hills come, but we also sometimes must pull over and take a break. It becomes time to slow down, to remind ourselves that we can do it and to rest until we are ready to go again.

Last week, I pretty much thought I was going to die on a bike ride. Courtesy of a glance at a map and then flying past an outhouse which couldn’t possibly be the restroom facilities pictured there, we went way over our mileage target. And then of course, still had to get back. “Back” ended up being slight incline most of the way and not only was my body yelling at me, I had a very hard time getting deep air into my lungs and had to use my inhaler twice. I bet you’ve never heard a gal reciting Psalm 23 over and over and over again on a bike trail. But if you have, that was probably me! “God, help me. You are my Shepherd. I shall not want. You make me lie down in green pastures-lead me besides still waters-restore my soul. Please restore my soul. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil….for YOU ARE WITH ME.” And as we learn in Her Journey, I reminded myself that it was NOT actual death, no matter how panicked my mind felt. It was only a shadow of death.

I was not going to die on that trail. But I sure felt like I was going to.

There have been times in my healing that it feels like it comes to a stop. I suspect that if you are a survivor, that you have felt this too. Two friends this week contacted me to express the grief that they are going through. One couldn’t stop crying on a run. The other cried herself to sleep. I reminded them both that grief is essential to feel. It is part of the process and needs to be worked through. They would be okay and would get through it. And today, they are doing just fine. Though it felt overwhelming, they allowed themselves to feel those emotions, work through them and come out the other side even stronger.

There are signs in my life when I need to pause and take that break from the trail. Extra anxiety-maybe even having panic attacks. I may start trying to go in my fix-it mode when dealing with people and their issues or I might feel tired and low on energy. Maybe sadness too. Sometimes, I start feeling extra emotional like PMS on overload and get teary at the very thought of someone experiencing pain or abuse. When that happens, I remember that it is NOT an option to stay on the trail. I must take some time to reflect, focus on my self-care and reconnect with my Savior.

When this happens to you, remind yourself that your healing has not stopped. It is probably time to just pull over to the side of the trail for a while. It’s OK to slow your MPH down instead of speeding it up at times. You are still progressing. You are still healing. In fact, as you look back later on, you will see that these slowing-down times were an important piece of your healing.

 

Here are some recommended steps for healing from narcissistic abuse:

  1. Find a healing program. Of course, I highly recommend Her Journey, and even taking it more than once. It was an essential start for me in my healing process, helped me look at why I made the choices that I did and gave me tools to move forward in a healthy manner.
  2. Understand that healing takes time. It’s so obvious when we hear about trauma with other people. “Wow-you’ve been through so much! Give yourself some time.” But we often don’t give the same grace for ourselves. Require the same grace to yourself that you give to others.
  3. Understand that there are curves and up-hills. But at the same time, there are down-hills as well! Your healing journey is much like others you may have been through. Expect that there are harder times when you must work harder or take better care of yourself or reconnect with God on a different level. Also understand there will be times you are flying down that hill with little effort. Look forward to those! They are just around the next bend!
  4. Work on your plan. List out what happens to your thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior when it is time to pull over on the trail. Try to catch yourself before you get to that point and make a list of the self-care you will commit to put into place when that happens.
  5. Be ready to make different moves if needed. If pausing on the trail and implementing your plan does not help, or if you feel your healing stalling for longer time periods, seek more healing help. Consider a coach or counselor on the ARMS recommended list (they also give ARMS discounts!), consider EMDR therapy or contact us about additional healing programs.

 

by Julie Bonn Blank